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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Sex, poo, cramps and all the other TMI things of being as large as a house...

Post written on July 18, 2007...I was definitely in my third trimester!

What is it about giving birth that seriously makes a woman lose her mind? Something washes over our brain (literally) so that we only remember the wonderful cute things about being pregnant. Our biological clock starts ticking and we crave a sweet little baby to hold. We long for an adorable little baby belly and feeling those precious little kicks. Only thing is, we forget that the little baby belly actually turns quickly into the gut of a 350 lb man and those precious little kicks end up feeling like Bruce Lee somehow got shrunk into that gut and is kicking his way out. Eli is kicking so hard that I swear my son is going to come out cussing like a sailor from hearing his Mommy! Not my finest moments. Forget about tying your own shoes or picking anything up. Thank God that it's summer and I can live in live in flip flops. Somehow I forgot that my bladder would shrink to the size of a walnut and I'd be up peeing 5 times a night. Sleep? What's that?? Oh, that's what I try to get when I'm not up peeing, and somehow trying to find a comfortable position on the 5 pillows I'm hogging. Yes, my bed has been invaded by the fat woman and her pillows and my husband is clinging on to the corner of the bed praying to not fall off in his sleep. On to more TMI things, poo. Yes, your bladder has shrunken and you can't stop peeing. Some women even non-voluntarily pee. Fingers crossed I don't get that. You'd think pooping would fall in the same category, right? Wrong. You don't only not poop every 5 minutes, you're lucky if you can poop every 5 days. Okay, that's an exageration, but it's a difficult task is all I'm saying. As if these weren't unpleasant enough add to that ligament pains and sciatic nerve pains. Yes, you will see this preggo not only waddle but occassionally limp around. I guess a pregnant woman who has absolutely no sense of balance anymore wasn't entertaining enough. God had to add this little wonderful gift as well. Let's see, what else? Food. Oh food. How I love and hate thee! I can eat a huge meal and an hour later am starving like a refugee. I can't eat enough. The irony there is that I get heartburn from hell and can't enjoy my food. Another irony, the biggest of them all, sex. Yeah, I won't go into that, but lets just say I think all the testosterone I'm carrying has caused me to be even more like a teenage boy than I was when I was pregnant with Belle. Ever tried screwing a 350 lb gut that has to pee every 5 minute and has Bruce Lee trying to bust out of that gut at the same time? All of this while trying to not think about the killer heartburn or that ice cream screaming my name in the freezer. Let's just say picture an elephant and a lion. Quite comical. I no longer require a sitcom for a laugh! My own clumsy fat ass will do. I know it's all worth it in the long run, and I can't wait to see my little man. Speaking of which, he better be little and not turn out to be a shrunken Bruce Lee like I suspect. October??!! Where are you??? I know, I should teach Sex Ed for teenagers. They all be jumping to get pregnant soon!

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